A better person

Everyone in life should struggle to become a better person, or at least this is what the moral precepts teach us. This endeavor is not at all times a successful one. And that is because in the human psyche one can find embedded the conception that we, as individuals, are pretty much as good as it can get, leaving not that much to improve.

One of the social conventions require us not to boast, and naturally, whatever we say is not necessarily true.

But from time to time, indiscernible to our perception, someone truly desires to become a better person.

And here I am, indiscernible to the rest of the world, wanting to become a better person. What would I like to improve then? Well, let's start with forgiving abilities.

I would really like to be able to forgive easily than I do. Fairness is very important to me, and I find forgiving the first time not that baffling. But, as it always happens, people err repeatedly - me included, I have no illusion of myself being perfect. The part I would like to improve concerns forgiving AFTER having already forgiven once.

I do sound elusive, in more than one sense, and I will try to clarify this further.

I am known for writing long letters and e-mails. This is because I like to keep in touch with people who are not within physical reach and because often I express myself better in writing, since I can refine the wording to make it less blunt or awkward as it comes out when I speak. What I would like to focus my attention on now is not the writing part, but the keeping in touch part.

I do not have many friends, but those I have, I want to keep in touch with them. And this means a two way communication. To my disappointment I have found myself in the position where I was the only one trying to maintain a friendship, while the others were too busy doing anything else but replying my attempts to, well, keep in touch. I do not mind being ignored, I do not need attention from everybody, but from a selected few. I enjoy being left to my own devices by everyone else, but I demand the modicum of attention from my friends.

Despite my being quite straightforward in all dealings in my life, I somehow not managed to make myself understood in this respect by a some dear friends.

One of them proved to be a very important disappointment for me, first because I thought we really connected and that our friendship was able to stand the test of distance, and second because we became friends later in my life, when I thought of myself as being much learned and capable of 'reading' people. To my surprise, she stopped writing and never attempted to get back in touch. I sent her an invitation on Facebook, but truly unintentional, since I sent an invite to my entire address book - I know, silly mistake, I sent invites to everyone I ever wrote to, including the consulate in Lyon and in Munich, the doctor and the cosmetician! Embarrassing indeed... Aaanyway, she is now among my friends on FB, but apart from sending me silly applications, she never sent me a WORD. Sad, isn't it?

Now, I realise that the more time passes (it has been more than a year and a half), the more things get simpler and the way to go back to a common ground is getting less reachable.

I would like to be a better person than I am now and be able to get back to being friends with this lady. I just can't and I do not know how could I possible do this.

But I already start to babble and this is not a wise thing. Perhaps I should concentrate on improving that as well...

I realise we humans are flawed and that perhaps this is what makes us interesting and worth the attention in general, but how can one tell if something in oneself can be improved or it is just so definitive that it would be easier to change spots on a leopard?

I wish I were better. But not really a Mighty, Mighty Man :-)



Yep, hubby is back to playing Fallout. Great game indeed.

End of the year

We came back from the funeral on Wednesday and managed to go out a couple of times, when it was still nice. Since it has been raining for three days, we chose (wisely, I may say) to stay indoors. So for three days I have been doing what I like most - stay indoors and do absolutely nothing of importance, like reading, watching telly, play silly computer games, talk and dine in the living room (it still has such a grown-up feeling about it, I can't really say why) and seriously thinning the house edible reserves.

Also I had time to catch up on my reading on the net. I have grown addicted to reading on the net. Perhaps it is because I still consider it time-wasting, unlike reading a hardcover proper book. Combined with my old fascination for filth (the one that generates malaise, the Charles Baudelaire filth), I end up reading a lot of stuff that only aggravates my misanthropy. On this note, I have to say that having come to know filth and meanness and evil in people so well, I am touched to tears whenever I am faced with an instance of good, real or fictionalized. Which kind of worries me, because from this stage to crying at soppy movies is not really that far. And this label of crying at the movies is something I do not really want to have attached to me.

Coming back to reading garbage, on the net and on newspapers as well, I might add.
People seem to be prone to writing even MORE trash than usual now that the end of year is near. On the one hand, if you deal with serious matters, like the Crisis or failure of banking system at this time of year, don't be surprised if you appear to have a greenish tinge in photos, that would be the Grinch deep down revealed by the kindness of people around you. On the other hand, if you trifle your way through merry times and Christmas binging, there will always be someone to agreeable point out the shallowness of your behaviour.

In any case, the mood of the season holidays makes writers write silly texts and readers read them with eyes screwed up in mocking disbelief.

Thus said, I acknowledge the bareness of the season holidays from the inspiration point of view and gracefully lay my electronic pen down until next year.

Happy holidays to all of us!